I know you’re a very busy man, what with the mountains of letters you get from the kids around the world, checking your list twice, and managing all the elves, so I’ll get right to the point.
I deserve a Christmas wish list, too.
I know you haven’t heard from me since I was seven, but I promise I’ve been good this year (no need to check that). And in case you’re wondering, yes I did finally get rid of those wire-rimmed glasses.
Look, this is the holiday season and frankly I have some wishes of my own to help this time of year go smoother.
So, I’m just going to lay them out here for you and if all else fails, just make #10 work and all should be well.
#1 I wish the cookies wouldn’t make me gain weight
Who decided that all the great-tasting desserts should make me gain weight?! Probs the same people behind the New Year’s Resolutions. #followthemoneytrail So, this year I would love to eat all the desserts my little heart can desire without going up a dress size. Maybe if you’re really good you could make the sweets help me lose weight? No? Too much?
#2 I wish the “Mom Bod” was worshipped
My body is freaking amazing for birthing the tiny humans and frankly, I’m way over society’s idea that I need to look like a fourteen year old. My “mummy tummy” and my stretch marks tell an incredible story that I’m proud of. I celebrate my body every day; I want the rest of the world to as well. If you can’t make this happen, then I’m placing an emphasis on Wish #1.
#3 I wish my husband would be the host
Don’t get me wrong, I love opening up my house to family, but boy oh boy would it be a joy for me to see my husband lay out pillow mints and run to open the door for knocking guests. Maybe a little cinnamon and orange simmering on the stove top? Maybe a swan towel figure on every bed?
#4 I wish granny panties would reign
Can granny panties become the newest fashion trend? I don’t mean the old graying ones with holes I’ve had since college (that can be top priority on the New Year’s Resolutions). I’m talking about the comfy, “I help hide your muffin top” ones that everyone wears but nobody will admit to. Family get togethers are awkward enough without a piece of floss between my cheeks.
#5 I wish for no unannounced visitors
I welcome all family to come stay with us. I’ll even offer up space on my floor. But there is a lot of planning that goes on months in advance, so the ideal guest will have given me a month’s heads up. Perfect stationery and wax seal not required.
#6 I wish for a self-cleaning house
This one might be far fetched, but it is a wish list, right? All those guests mean a lot of cleaning, and I’d much rather spend time with family than scrubbing a toilet. I’m thinking something along the lines of the DCOM Smart House but without the giant, crazy, obsessive “I want to become your new mother” glitch.
#7 I wish the kids wouldn’t fight bedtime
Let’s be real, a lot of the fun happens when the kids go to bed and the adults can stay up and chat. But when the tiny humans fight sleep like it’s their job, mama doesn’t get to play. I can only read “We’re Going On a Bear Hunt” so many times.
#8 I wish for eight full hours of uninterrupted sleep
No matter how late I go to bed and no matter how early the alarm, could you work your magic to fit in eight peaceful hours of sleep? You can bend time right? Or do I need to send this letter along to another mythical being as well?
#9 I wish for agreeable in-laws
No matter what hooky stuff I throw out there, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and cousins-in-law will just nod their heads politely and take their opinions back with them across the state line. Actually this applies to my family, too.
#10 I wish for a self-filling wine glass
Need I say more?
So go ahead and check and recheck that list of yours. Polish your sleigh. Feed the reindeer. But if you would just move my wish list to the “To Grant” pile, I would be oh, so thankful.
A Real Mom Who Just Needs a Little Help